I've got the shrink again next week.
Nothing had changed really. My facial hair is still, duh, getting thicker and darker. Ive got more and more black hairs now on my chin but they piss me off.
I had a hormone drop (I think) because I suddenly felt really depressed but now its lifting.
Im tempted to blame the moon (because it feels like its coincides) but I wiki'd it and there seems to be no correlation.
Love and Peace to you all!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
While the cats away...
Thanks for the kind words guys.
Dr Lyons went on in our last session that the only reason he only put me on the clinic because it'd be safer that letting me manage my own testosterone.
Which is a little against what he said the other time when surgery 'would have been in November [08]' .. or 09 .. i forget now.. anyway!
yeah so there seems to be these different dates and opinions coming out of the same mouth. Its... rather confusing.
My blood results came back and I have a Mid level for T and a high level (for a dude) of estrogen.
..but nothing seems to be being done about that.
When I got my injection it hurt in a different way. It felt ok to go in (which was the weird part) but this time it didnt burn down my leg, it hurt up my spine ish area. And I said "Ah, thats hurting"
and Rosie said "what kind?"
"burning. Like the pain when you have alcohol in a wound"
"Well, I use Iodine.. so maybe your just a wuss"
And its not the first time shes said such a thing to me. I get a little annoyed because its ... well, stupid dont you think?
Someone who has been oppressed by binary gender systems and a compulsory heterosexual society (ooo fancy words!) to then turn around and preach the same message.
Very odd.
But after I walked home pissed off I saw it from a different light.
We cant change the world to the way it should be (because I dont think we know yet how humans are 'suppose to be') so we have to do our best, which is, to conform.
So it seems to be the idea of the clinic that Im not trans and well, yeh its annoying I suppose. But I shrug at them... I know what I am.
I like what I am.
Oh some boasting here; all this gym work is paying off. Man I look Ho0o0OoT
Its just a damn shame I cant have chest surgery yet otherwise Id be parading around topless (more often).
Dr Lyons went on in our last session that the only reason he only put me on the clinic because it'd be safer that letting me manage my own testosterone.
Which is a little against what he said the other time when surgery 'would have been in November [08]' .. or 09 .. i forget now.. anyway!
yeah so there seems to be these different dates and opinions coming out of the same mouth. Its... rather confusing.
My blood results came back and I have a Mid level for T and a high level (for a dude) of estrogen.
..but nothing seems to be being done about that.
When I got my injection it hurt in a different way. It felt ok to go in (which was the weird part) but this time it didnt burn down my leg, it hurt up my spine ish area. And I said "Ah, thats hurting"
and Rosie said "what kind?"
"burning. Like the pain when you have alcohol in a wound"
"Well, I use Iodine.. so maybe your just a wuss"
And its not the first time shes said such a thing to me. I get a little annoyed because its ... well, stupid dont you think?
Someone who has been oppressed by binary gender systems and a compulsory heterosexual society (ooo fancy words!) to then turn around and preach the same message.
Very odd.
But after I walked home pissed off I saw it from a different light.
We cant change the world to the way it should be (because I dont think we know yet how humans are 'suppose to be') so we have to do our best, which is, to conform.
So it seems to be the idea of the clinic that Im not trans and well, yeh its annoying I suppose. But I shrug at them... I know what I am.
I like what I am.
Oh some boasting here; all this gym work is paying off. Man I look Ho0o0OoT
Its just a damn shame I cant have chest surgery yet otherwise Id be parading around topless (more often).
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Feeling Shaky
I was feeling fantastic the other day. Ive been working hard at the gym and now my muscles are huge. My abs (which weren't well defined either) are now looking great.
Its been about 3 weeks since I signed up?...about that.
Came home and mum asked if Id talked to doctor lyons about reverting back to my female form (ahahahhaha). He said it is possible. But I dont feel comfortable about the idea. So Ive denied the financial assistance.
Out of the kindness of his heart, Dr Lyons also wiped my debt.
Anyway back to my mum. She said that she "wasnt convinced by what she's seen recently" that Im serious about what Im doing.
Analysing that the things Ice been 'doing recently' would be Clay and I pray to god that shes not referring to him and using him as a reason to why I shouldn't transition. For Safety's sake, I think I should stop having him over as much.
... apart from that I have no idea what shes talking about.
when I asked her to elaborate she said that even as a child I liked to shock people.
Thats true. I did.
As a practical joke.
Although I think this is kind of over the line, dont you think? And I find it offensive that people say this.
I do get a kick out of making crude jokes about my gender. But I don't like causing a fuss. The entire point of my transition was to stop standing out. Isnt that the goal? For most people anyway, to be able to blend in?
I reflected on my time in Japan when I first admitted I was trans and that I couldnt stand 'it' any longer.
My entire attraction to Japan and the Japanese is based around the messy gender-lines in their culture. I could be myself and there was no hassle. It was awesome. No matter how crazy I dressed or how long/short my hair was.. or anything like that I could still be androgynous and nobody gave a crap.
Gender wasn't something assumed by what you did or what you wore there.
It was a country of gray.
But at the same time is a place of conformity... very hard to explain. When I was asked to participate in.. the formal rituals of life. Schooling etc. I couldnt handle how rigid they were.
I couldnt wear a dress.
I couldnt handle the duties I was assigned.
I couldnt stand the social position I was forced to assume.
So yeh, I cracked.
I went a little off topic but what Im trying to say is that its offensive to think that Id deliberately ostracize myself just to grab attention.
I wish there was a way I could pour the pain and memories into a bottle to show them.
Of the times I tried to do 'what I should'.
Of the hours I spent on google, in books, watching movies... looking for someone! a character! or a word! Something that describe the reality I was experiencing.
My intense search though is probably something I should revisit. I remember 'Shinjuku boys' was a documentary I was searching for relentlessly. It was about these drag kings (I think one identified as Trans). Which sounded like what I was like... except I didn't want to get out of 'costume'.
Then I saw someones Vlog on Youtube and that was it. I feel like I was connecting.
----
Progress wise... the hair on the back of my legs has gone nuts. And my dicks gotten bigger again...Its cool I suppose to have a bigger dick but Im having a lot of trouble wanking. Yeh, there is probably a lot of awkwardness for friends who are reading this so Ill leave it there.
If a transguy is reading this.. have you used a flesh light? Whats the results?
Its been about 3 weeks since I signed up?...about that.
Came home and mum asked if Id talked to doctor lyons about reverting back to my female form (ahahahhaha). He said it is possible. But I dont feel comfortable about the idea. So Ive denied the financial assistance.
Out of the kindness of his heart, Dr Lyons also wiped my debt.
Anyway back to my mum. She said that she "wasnt convinced by what she's seen recently" that Im serious about what Im doing.
Analysing that the things Ice been 'doing recently' would be Clay and I pray to god that shes not referring to him and using him as a reason to why I shouldn't transition. For Safety's sake, I think I should stop having him over as much.
... apart from that I have no idea what shes talking about.
when I asked her to elaborate she said that even as a child I liked to shock people.
Thats true. I did.
As a practical joke.
Although I think this is kind of over the line, dont you think? And I find it offensive that people say this.
I do get a kick out of making crude jokes about my gender. But I don't like causing a fuss. The entire point of my transition was to stop standing out. Isnt that the goal? For most people anyway, to be able to blend in?
I reflected on my time in Japan when I first admitted I was trans and that I couldnt stand 'it' any longer.
My entire attraction to Japan and the Japanese is based around the messy gender-lines in their culture. I could be myself and there was no hassle. It was awesome. No matter how crazy I dressed or how long/short my hair was.. or anything like that I could still be androgynous and nobody gave a crap.
Gender wasn't something assumed by what you did or what you wore there.
It was a country of gray.
But at the same time is a place of conformity... very hard to explain. When I was asked to participate in.. the formal rituals of life. Schooling etc. I couldnt handle how rigid they were.
I couldnt wear a dress.
I couldnt handle the duties I was assigned.
I couldnt stand the social position I was forced to assume.
So yeh, I cracked.
I went a little off topic but what Im trying to say is that its offensive to think that Id deliberately ostracize myself just to grab attention.
I wish there was a way I could pour the pain and memories into a bottle to show them.
Of the times I tried to do 'what I should'.
Of the hours I spent on google, in books, watching movies... looking for someone! a character! or a word! Something that describe the reality I was experiencing.
My intense search though is probably something I should revisit. I remember 'Shinjuku boys' was a documentary I was searching for relentlessly. It was about these drag kings (I think one identified as Trans). Which sounded like what I was like... except I didn't want to get out of 'costume'.
Then I saw someones Vlog on Youtube and that was it. I feel like I was connecting.
----
Progress wise... the hair on the back of my legs has gone nuts. And my dicks gotten bigger again...Its cool I suppose to have a bigger dick but Im having a lot of trouble wanking. Yeh, there is probably a lot of awkwardness for friends who are reading this so Ill leave it there.
If a transguy is reading this.. have you used a flesh light? Whats the results?
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Repression
To save me re-writing a lot Ill just show you what I sent to the OZGUYS ftm forum.
-----
Hi, just so you dont have to listen to me go on about what my identity is and we can then get onto the good stuff Ill give you the short version.
- I don't deny I have female genitals
- I feel more comfortable in a male lifestyle
- I feel more comfortable with the sexual characteristics T has given me
- I look forward to chest surgery
My life as a girl was stressful and I felt like I was cross dressing.
Im deeply into the masculine side of femininity.
And somewhere on the effeminate side of masculinity.
Which brings me to my little...uh.. problem.
My mum has offered to pay for my Shrink on the condition that he start pushing me in the direction of making me female.
The money is tempting because I'm unemployed.
But does this stuff really work? Can they repress you like that?
I don't think the doctors FORCE you into any which way, they just listen to you and go "ok, we'll if you think its right for you then here you go."
Anyway, I'm just a little confused and need someone to bat the idea around with.
-----
Yeh, so that's what just happened. I don't remember how it came up but mum said she'd pay for me to go see Dr. Lyons 3 times a week (which is impossible as he works only 2 days a week). The condition is, as I stated in the letter, I be convinced to live as a girl.
Doctors cant ethically do that (as far as Im aware of). Because its a liability mainly.
Although it is tempting.
I seriously cant imagine my life as a girl. Or a lesbian. I couldn't handle that. I enjoy not being noticed!!!! I love looking normal.
Somehow I feel this is partly because of Clay. His frequent visits could possibly be giving Mum the idea that with his unknowing aid a straight-female-lifestyle could be a reality.
Moments like this make me reflect on the path Ive been cutting for myself. Then I look ahead at the track yet to be beaten. I wonder if I could be doing something more effective with this machete?
-----
Hi, just so you dont have to listen to me go on about what my identity is and we can then get onto the good stuff Ill give you the short version.
- I don't deny I have female genitals
- I feel more comfortable in a male lifestyle
- I feel more comfortable with the sexual characteristics T has given me
- I look forward to chest surgery
My life as a girl was stressful and I felt like I was cross dressing.
Im deeply into the masculine side of femininity.
And somewhere on the effeminate side of masculinity.
Which brings me to my little...uh.. problem.
My mum has offered to pay for my Shrink on the condition that he start pushing me in the direction of making me female.
The money is tempting because I'm unemployed.
But does this stuff really work? Can they repress you like that?
I don't think the doctors FORCE you into any which way, they just listen to you and go "ok, we'll if you think its right for you then here you go."
Anyway, I'm just a little confused and need someone to bat the idea around with.
-----
Yeh, so that's what just happened. I don't remember how it came up but mum said she'd pay for me to go see Dr. Lyons 3 times a week (which is impossible as he works only 2 days a week). The condition is, as I stated in the letter, I be convinced to live as a girl.
Doctors cant ethically do that (as far as Im aware of). Because its a liability mainly.
Although it is tempting.
I seriously cant imagine my life as a girl. Or a lesbian. I couldn't handle that. I enjoy not being noticed!!!! I love looking normal.
Somehow I feel this is partly because of Clay. His frequent visits could possibly be giving Mum the idea that with his unknowing aid a straight-female-lifestyle could be a reality.
Moments like this make me reflect on the path Ive been cutting for myself. Then I look ahead at the track yet to be beaten. I wonder if I could be doing something more effective with this machete?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Ebay Mania
Im getting hooked.
Ive been selling some school uniforms on there (who would have thought there was such a market for used Japanese Girls' Uniforms? .. oh and if you are wondering Im selling a 14y/olds uniform now PM me for a special deal!!!!)
I also was hooked into buying some Aussie Bums underwear. The name hooked me, really. The only qualms I have with buying the dacks is that they are from Hong Kong.
Yes, Im very much against this 'made in china' crap. I dont want them getting the upper hand!
Anyway, so I managed to get me a good pair of blue aussie bums and another red pair for under 10 bucks. Ill be passing the red pair onto Waffles though because he was hawking the auction too. I just beat him to the punch.
In transitioning news... not a lot.
I missed my appointment with Dr Lyons and now most probably have to pay the $200+ fee. And I have to purchase my sustanon soon (another 200+ ). Eek.
Ive been saving up for it though so I hope it all pans out. The selling of my collection on uniforms is probably paying for the most of it.
What a bitching blog.. urg...
well, nothing interest happens anymore.
Oh I used the male toilets when I was with my mum shopping. I thought, I shouldnt have to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life. As I went in though she uttered a 'disgusting'.
In 17 days Ill be taking another pregnancy test to see if any of those bastards have gotten through. I doubt it.
Annnnnd, Ive got an appointment with my Gyno which I must remember to ask her about those damn cysts!
Ive been selling some school uniforms on there (who would have thought there was such a market for used Japanese Girls' Uniforms? .. oh and if you are wondering Im selling a 14y/olds uniform now PM me for a special deal!!!!)
I also was hooked into buying some Aussie Bums underwear. The name hooked me, really. The only qualms I have with buying the dacks is that they are from Hong Kong.
Yes, Im very much against this 'made in china' crap. I dont want them getting the upper hand!
Anyway, so I managed to get me a good pair of blue aussie bums and another red pair for under 10 bucks. Ill be passing the red pair onto Waffles though because he was hawking the auction too. I just beat him to the punch.
In transitioning news... not a lot.
I missed my appointment with Dr Lyons and now most probably have to pay the $200+ fee. And I have to purchase my sustanon soon (another 200+ ). Eek.
Ive been saving up for it though so I hope it all pans out. The selling of my collection on uniforms is probably paying for the most of it.
What a bitching blog.. urg...
well, nothing interest happens anymore.
Oh I used the male toilets when I was with my mum shopping. I thought, I shouldnt have to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life. As I went in though she uttered a 'disgusting'.
In 17 days Ill be taking another pregnancy test to see if any of those bastards have gotten through. I doubt it.
Annnnnd, Ive got an appointment with my Gyno which I must remember to ask her about those damn cysts!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Dreams
I keep having these weird dreams every few months or so that I get chest surgery. I think i mentioned that before. But in all these dreams, its only on one side.
And it doesnt seem to bother me :P
I wonder why its only one side though. I think its usually the right side that I fix.
And it doesnt seem to bother me :P
I wonder why its only one side though. I think its usually the right side that I fix.
Almost 10 months on T
Yeh and the facial hair is starting to kick in some more. The hair around the side burny area has thickened up and is getting the occasional dark hair.
Im thinking about writing a book at the end of all this. A comedy of course.
Or perhaps doing some stand up event. But, not having a good history with mobs.. i might pass on that idea.
Im in the process of growing my hair out. Im allowed to cut it (for styling only) in October. Which, from the time I last shaved it, would mean it should have on average grown atleast 11cm.
Remarkable!
Did I say i got my Ls? Yeh back in Feb/Early March. I try and do as much driving as possible... but the fact is its just not possible.
Under the current laws I have to do 50 hours driving and 10 of that has to be at night. Then, after 6 months Im allowed to do the test for the Ps.
Ive been warned that Ill be used as a chauffeur. And I dont really mind.
I mean, Ive always wanted to kill you all but to have you willingly say "yes, please let me sit in the death seat!"
Well!...
Im just elated!
So just a general warning to all those in my area who live, walk, learn, work, watch Home&Away .. I might run you down.
My dick seems to be getting bigger... which is surprising me because I thought that was it. Im interesting in buying the Andro Extender. Its a penis enlarger that actually works! Lol.
No in all seriousness, this thing has been getting a fantastic wrap. And I think I read it was going to be used in the medical field for people with micropenis (note: my condition is called pipinna nullus)
The catch is its $300.
And with that same money I could buy me a suit^^
The irony being both things are, in the end, purchases made out of glutton. I dont need either and could put that money towards paying rent .. or better yet! my education!
HAHAHAHA
Who am I kidding.
Im thinking about writing a book at the end of all this. A comedy of course.
Or perhaps doing some stand up event. But, not having a good history with mobs.. i might pass on that idea.
Im in the process of growing my hair out. Im allowed to cut it (for styling only) in October. Which, from the time I last shaved it, would mean it should have on average grown atleast 11cm.
Remarkable!
Did I say i got my Ls? Yeh back in Feb/Early March. I try and do as much driving as possible... but the fact is its just not possible.
Under the current laws I have to do 50 hours driving and 10 of that has to be at night. Then, after 6 months Im allowed to do the test for the Ps.
Ive been warned that Ill be used as a chauffeur. And I dont really mind.
I mean, Ive always wanted to kill you all but to have you willingly say "yes, please let me sit in the death seat!"
Well!...
Im just elated!
So just a general warning to all those in my area who live, walk, learn, work, watch Home&Away .. I might run you down.
My dick seems to be getting bigger... which is surprising me because I thought that was it. Im interesting in buying the Andro Extender. Its a penis enlarger that actually works! Lol.
No in all seriousness, this thing has been getting a fantastic wrap. And I think I read it was going to be used in the medical field for people with micropenis (note: my condition is called pipinna nullus)
The catch is its $300.
And with that same money I could buy me a suit^^
The irony being both things are, in the end, purchases made out of glutton. I dont need either and could put that money towards paying rent .. or better yet! my education!
HAHAHAHA
Who am I kidding.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
